Ok so I’ve seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen twice now. And twice I’ve felt the need to write a review. But you know what? I’m not gonna.
I know what you’re thinking: “Darth, you slack son of a bitch!”. And you’d be right. But the fact of the matter is that just too many reviewers have beaten me to it and probably voiced the opinion that myself and so many others that grew up on Transformers have: that this movie is really pretty shit.
Don’t get me wrong. I quite like the 2007 Transformers film. OK, it’s not a brilliant Transformers movie. But its a fun, good-looking, reasonably well-rounded bit of entertainment. We all know Michael Bay is a total dick, and elements of the 2007 Transformers film just make me wanna slap Bay repeatedly across the head, but its positives generally outweigh its negatives. And for that I give it credit.
But if ever there was evidence that Bay and his cronies should be strung up by the nuts, it is Transformers 2.
The film is an utter mess, from the incoherent narrative to the shockingly mixed soundtrack, the voice acting, the human acting, the direction, the photography, the digital FX. Everything. A total fucking mess.
Writing a review for Transformers 2 is hard. Its hard because there is just so much wrong with it that it’s nearly impossible to know where to begin. So as I said, I’m not going to review it. And I’m going to assume that most of you have already seen it. It’s well on its way to breaking all kinds of box office records. But I’ll guarantee you, this film will nose-dive in its second and third week of release as repeat ticket sales will no doubt drop right off.
So rather that review it, I’m just gonna compile a wish list for Transformers 3:
Gimme more robot screen time. The film is called ‘Transformers’ for Christ’s sake! Enough with the lame-arse humans and testicle jokes. And really, how many times can you show dogs humping before it gets a little tired?
Enough with the pouty, bent-over hot chicks who are wasting valuable screentime when I could be looking at Transformers involved in an actual plot.
Can the Transformers actually have conversations that we can follow? The times in which the Transformers actually converse with one another are too few and when they do its some kinda incoherent mumble mixed with a barrage of mechanical sound effects and using accents that are so over the top that it becomes utterly incomprehensible. OK, so I managed to follow some of the Transformers’ dialogue, but does anyone actually know anything the Doctor said? Who casts this shit?
Just write a simple, cohesive story that doesn’t introduce retarded characters like The Fallen into an already richly populated universe. The characters we had from the first movie were fine. Just develop their stories further. Megatron is a great villain. The Fallen is a total waste of mine and everybody else’s time. Please develop the dynamic between Starscream and Megatron. As fans we know these two hate each other. There’s your conflict, bitches! Use it!
Reboot the franchise with completely different robot designs. When I say different, I actually mean the designs they had in the first place before Bay and his gang of fucktards got a hold of them. The current designs are just too damn fussy. It gets nearly impossible to define the characters’ outlines in the midst of a battle. The boxy, goofy, boldly coloured designs of G1 Transformers were great. Let’s get back to it!
Enough with the tight, 24 frame edits. Pull back from the action a little so we can see what’s happening! The 1986 Transformers Movie dealt with the Constructicons coming together to form Devastator in a much better way than Bay did in Transformers 2. When a 20 year old animated film is doing a better job than a $240M 2009 blockbuster, you know you’re in trouble.
Give us Cybertron. This whole notion of Transformers just dropping out of the sky is just too weak. Cybertron would be a great location for future films. Bring it back!
I dunno. I guess that’s enough for now. Please submit some further additions to the list. I gotta lay down. My head hurts.