1980 Time Waaaaaarp!

Found this little gem on YOUTUBE today so thought we’d share it. Man, it’s amazing how far chat shows and the marketing of films have come (as good or bad as that may be). The vibe here is so subdued and casual. Incredible really, considering Hamill and Ford are promoting the sequel to the largest film of all time.

Good to see morning show hosts were just as stupid 30 years ago. Shit, 30 years…

Enjoy.

Further thoughts: It’s interesting to note that Hamill and Ford were aware of Prequel plans even back in 1980!

TRANSFORMERS 2: My Head Hurts

Ok so I’ve seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen twice now. And twice I’ve felt the need to write a review. But you know what? I’m not gonna.

I know what you’re thinking: “Darth, you slack son of a bitch!”. And you’d be right. But the fact of the matter is that just too many reviewers have beaten me to it and probably voiced the opinion that myself and so many others that grew up on Transformers have: that this movie is really pretty shit.

Don’t get me wrong. I quite like the 2007 Transformers film. OK, it’s not a brilliant Transformers movie. But its a fun, good-looking, reasonably well-rounded bit of entertainment. We all know Michael Bay is a total dick, and elements of the 2007 Transformers film just make me wanna slap Bay repeatedly across the head, but its positives generally outweigh its negatives. And for that I give it credit.

But if ever there was evidence that Bay and his cronies should be strung up by the nuts, it is Transformers 2.

The film is an utter mess, from the incoherent narrative to the shockingly mixed soundtrack, the voice acting, the human acting, the direction, the photography, the digital FX. Everything. A total fucking mess.

Writing a review for Transformers 2 is hard. Its hard because there is just so much wrong with it that it’s nearly impossible to know where to begin. So as I said, I’m not going to review it. And I’m going to assume that most of you have already seen it. It’s well on its way to breaking all kinds of box office records. But I’ll guarantee you, this film will nose-dive in its second and third week of release as repeat ticket sales will no doubt drop right off.

So rather that review it, I’m just gonna compile a wish list for Transformers 3:

Gimme more robot screen time. The film is called ‘Transformers’ for Christ’s sake! Enough with the lame-arse humans and testicle jokes. And really, how many times can you show dogs humping before it gets a little tired?

Enough with the pouty, bent-over hot chicks who are wasting valuable screentime when I could be looking at Transformers involved in an actual plot.

Can the Transformers actually have conversations that we can follow? The times in which the Transformers actually converse with one another are too few and when they do its some kinda incoherent mumble mixed with a barrage of mechanical sound effects and using accents that are so over the top that it becomes utterly incomprehensible. OK, so I managed to follow some of the Transformers’ dialogue, but does anyone actually know anything the Doctor said? Who casts this shit?

Just write a simple, cohesive story that doesn’t introduce retarded characters like The Fallen into an already richly populated universe. The characters we had from the first movie were fine. Just develop their stories further. Megatron is a great villain. The Fallen is a total waste of mine and everybody else’s time. Please develop the dynamic between Starscream and Megatron. As fans we know these two hate each other. There’s your conflict, bitches! Use it!

Reboot the franchise with completely different robot designs. When I say different, I actually mean the designs they had in the first place before Bay and his gang of fucktards got a hold of them. The current designs are just too damn fussy. It gets nearly impossible to define the characters’ outlines in the midst of a battle. The boxy, goofy, boldly coloured designs of G1 Transformers were great. Let’s get back to it!

Enough with the tight, 24 frame edits. Pull back from the action a little so we can see what’s happening! The 1986 Transformers Movie dealt with the Constructicons coming together to form Devastator in a much better way than Bay did in Transformers 2. When a 20 year old animated film is doing a better job than a $240M 2009 blockbuster, you know you’re in trouble.

Give us Cybertron. This whole notion of Transformers just dropping out of the sky is just too weak. Cybertron would be a great location for future films. Bring it back!

Sack Bay.

I dunno. I guess that’s enough for now. Please submit some further additions to the list. I gotta lay down. My head hurts.

Michael Jackson dead…again!

Renown nonce and all-round nut-job Michael Jackson is dead apparently.

Funny, I thought Jackson died somewhere around 1986 and we’ve just been watching his re-animated corpse dance around for the last 20 odd years. Certainly his ghoulish appearance and broken, zombie-like speech patterns of late would seem to suggest that was the case.

As students of Popular Culture, it’s probably assumed that we here at the Citadel should be sad to mourn the passing of a so-called icon of Pop. But we’re not. Jackson’s music was rubbish. You can only ride on the success on one good album for so long. And 25 years is too long to ride. And lets face it, Jackson is more famous now for what he did outside the recording studio, rather than in it. You know, things like dangling babies off balconies. The kind of idol behavior we should all look up to…

As a famous Stormtrooper once said as he stood upon the burning, sun-kissed sands of Tatooine: “Move along. Move along…”

SK2: Crypto-Image #15

Jeez, we ain’t done a Crypto-Image for a while…what a bunch of slack bastards we are. Anyway, get your eyeballs around this:

Be sure to keep checking the SUBURBAN KNIGHTS site for exciting new stuff!

Indiana Jones 5 becoming reality?

You know, I’m sick of people putting hurt on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I really am. It’s one of those films that is fashionable to hate. 10 years ago it was ‘The Phantom Menace’, now it’s KotCS. Fat arse fanboys love nothing more than to fill countless amounts of bandwith bitching about how Lucas and Spielberg raped their childhoods…again! Well I say this to those so called ‘fans’: “Fuck Off!”.

I really dig KotCS. I watched it again last weekend and really had fun with it. It sits really well within the Indiana Jones suite of films and I put it to those haters out there that they really need to go back and watch the original 3 Indiana Jones films again properly and then maybe they’ll get KotCS.

Anyway, enough of that. The point is this week both Shia LeBeouf and producer Frank Marshall have let slip that work on Indiana Jones 5 is proceeding. I spoke about this a few months back when nothing official had been stated. But now these comments from associated sources are on public record and I for one am excited. Harrison Ford could easily go another round as Indy, he proved that in KotCS. Let’s hope this pans out and in a couple of years we’ll have another Indy film to look forward to.

2012 Wankery Begins…

G’day, Death here. I gotta speak up on this one:

Man, this crap really ticks me off…

Jerk-off Roland Emmerich and Hollywood are cashing in on the 2012 Doomsday paranoia that is flooding the internet quicker than a killer tsunami.

In case you’ve been living in a fall-out shelter for the last few years, you may not be aware that a whole slew of morons out there actually believe the World is gonna end on December 21st, 2012. They base this on the fact that an ancient Mayan Calendar ends on that date (it doesn’t, but that’s a whole different issue, just Google ‘2012 debunked’ to get the full story. Or check out this great transcript). The problem I have (among many) is that none of these fucktards can actually agree on how the World will end. Some of the theories include: Killer Comet, Polar Shift, Climate change, Planet X collision with Earth, Alien Invasion, etc, etc… the list goes on. All of these theories can be debunked in an instant by anyone with any rational thought, however this doesn’t stop plenty of douche-bags out there trying to cash in on all this Apocalyptic Paranoia. And now it seems it’s Hollywood’s turn with the release later this year of the film 2012.

Emmerich is a dick who is incapable of making a decent picture, yet he seems to be Hollywood’s go-to man when it comes to dealing out C-grade trash. Yeah, he’s the cretin responsible for ‘Independence Day’, ‘Godzilla’, ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ and the latest entry into the annuls of High Art, ‘10,000BC’. Seems he’s finally hit the bottom of the barrel with ‘2012′.

I got nothing against studios wanting to make money. Shit, they have to in order to keep pumping out films. But really, must they stoop this low for source material? I just don’t get what good can come of a film like this. a) it will suck. Its Roland Emmerich. b) it will fuel paranoia in those too ignorant to seek out the real truth about 2012 prophecy (ie: it’s a crock of horse shit) and c) it will perpetuate the notion that Hollywood really has run out of ideas and lacks the balls to put something that is truly unique and exciting up on the screen.

Anyway, I’ve ranted enough about this bollocks, go check out the trailer for this year’s wank-fest.

See you all in 2013.

MORE THOUGHTS…: So this whole 2012 Doomsday crud started with some Mayan Calendar, right? Well here’s some things you gotta bare in mind:

Firstly the Mayan Calendar doesn’t ‘end’ in 2012. It merely resets just like our Gregorian Calendar does after December 31st. All Mayan scholars agree on this. The issue is that their calendars went for millennia whereas ours are only 365 days long.

If the Mayans were such great prophets why did they not foresee their own demise at the hands of the Spanish Conquistadors? Huh?

If the Mayans were so clever, knowing all this shit that we don’t, then why didn’t they build nuclear power plants, hover cars and spaceships? Oh yeah, because they were too busy building shit out of stone and wood and over-farming their land while western civilisation moved into the industrial age. Dumb Mayans.

SK1: Screening at SHORTS@CRUE

Hey Fans. Yes! Another opportunity to wheel out EPISODE 1: THE RECKONING and inflict it on the unsuspecting short-film crowd.

If you’re lonely, depressed and looking for a hip crowd to hang out with and take in some Urban Art at the same time, then come down to the Crue Bar in Toorak from 7pm next Thursday June 25th. Details on the monthly SHORTS@CRUE Event can be found here

So head on down and have a few beers with the Knights. Go on…you know you want to!

SK2: Post-Production Update 2009 #3

So once again we’re having to apologise for not bringing you SK news more regularly. But the reality is that most spare time is spent putting the finishing touches on EPISODE 2. So in a way, no news is good news as it means SK2 draws ever closer.

Having said that, our primadonna ‘director’ has decided at the last minute to add another 15 seconds of action to a critical fight scene. Just when we thought we had final picture lock off! What a pretentious nob. He claims it’ll make the film better. Well, all we can say is “it damn well better make it better, art-boy, or you arse is out the door!”

This shouldn’t affect our completion date, thankfully, as audio post can continue around Tonkin’s artistic whims.

Anyway, the film’s looking well cool. So stay tuned. Not far off now! We’ll be sure to post details of public screenings as SK2 will likely debut at an event screening before hitting the web.

SK: WordPress iPhone App test

Ok so we just downloaded the WordPress app for the Citadel’s iPhone.

So if this works then it looks like we’ll be able to post from anywhere, anytime!

Holy crap, can you imagine the power???

SUBURBAN KNIGHTS: Now on Facebook

Yeah OK, so maybe we’re conformist pussies, but SUBURBAN KNIGHTS now has its own Facebook Page.

We’re not even sure what the whole point of it is but, hey it can’t hurt right? And they say what ever can’t kill ya makes you stronger, yeah?

Ah sod it. Just check the page out!

Suburban Knights’s Facebook Page

Promote Your Page Too